Navigating the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
Being a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, however it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, frequently causing lots of heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I want a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate various forms of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs in your current state may well change in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. One day you might meet someone who provides a life-changing chance for you through mirroring what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and recognize the value of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
