These Phrases from My Father Which Saved Me during my time as a New Parent

"I think I was simply just surviving for the first year."

One-time reality TV personality Ryan Libbey thought he would to handle the demands of becoming a dad.

Yet the actual experience quickly turned out to be "utterly different" to what he pictured.

Severe health problems surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was thrust into becoming her main carer as well as looking after their infant son Leo.

"I took on every night time, every change… each outing. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan explained.

After nearly a year he burnt out. That was when a conversation with his own dad, on a bench in the park, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone.

The simple phrases "You're not in a good spot. You must get support. In what way can I help you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and start recovering.

His situation is commonplace, but seldom highlighted. Although the public is now better used to addressing the pressure on mothers and about post-natal depression, far less attention is paid about the difficulties fathers go through.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan thinks his struggles are symptomatic of a broader inability to open up among men, who still absorb negative perceptions of masculinity.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the harbour wall that just gets hit and doesn't fall with each wave."

"It isn't a sign of being weak to ask for help. I didn't do that soon enough," he adds.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health before and after childbirth, says men frequently refuse to accept they're struggling.

They can think they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - particularly ahead of a mum and baby - but she stresses their mental well-being is equally important to the unit.

Ryan's chat with his dad provided him with the space to ask for a respite - taking a few days away, separate from the home environment, to get a fresh outlook.

He came to see he needed to make a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the day-to-day duties of looking after a infant.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd missed "what she was yearning" -holding her hand and paying attention to her words.

'Parenting yourself

That epiphany has changed how Ryan sees fatherhood.

He's now penning Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he aspires his son will see as he matures.

Ryan hopes these will help his son to more fully comprehend the language of emotion and interpret his approach to fatherhood.

The idea of "reparenting" is something musician Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen was without reliable male guidance. Even with having an "incredible" relationship with his dad, long-standing difficult experiences meant his father struggled to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, affecting their relationship.

Stephen says bottling up emotions led him to make "poor decisions" when he was younger to change how he was feeling, finding solace in alcohol and substances as an escape from the pain.

"You gravitate to substances that are harmful," he notes. "They might short-term modify how you feel, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."

Tips for Coping as a New Father

• Open up to someone - when you are under pressure, tell a friend, your spouse or a therapist what you're going through. Doing so may to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
• Remember your hobbies - make time for the things that helped you to feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. This might be going for a run, seeing friends or a favourite hobby.
• Look after the physical health - eating well, staying active and if you can, getting some sleep, all contribute in how your emotional health is faring.
• Meet other parents in the same boat - listening to their journeys, the difficult parts, as well as the good ones, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Understand that asking for help does not mean you've failed - taking care of you is the optimal method you can support your household.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly struggled to accept the loss, having not spoken to him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's committed not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead provide the safety and emotional support he missed out on.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - managing the emotions in a healthy way.

Each of Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men due to the fact that they acknowledged their pain, transformed how they communicate, and figured out how to manage themselves for their children.

"I am now more capable of… processing things and handling things," says Stephen.

"I put that down in a note to Leo last week," Ryan says. "I wrote, at times I think my job is to teach and advise you on life, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I am understanding just as much as you are through this experience."